Choosing Joshua

I’ve struggled to find the words to write for an updated post. I have been carrying the weight of a decision made by Joshua’s parents to terminate the pregnancy after the amnio revealed that he has Trisomy 18. The news brought shock and heartbreak. The first few days after the news left me wondering what the parents would choose and telling everyone that we all said pro-life in the beginning so I was sure that’s the way it would go. When I received the email from them that said they were choosing termination and that they just wanted to “send Joshua to paradise now” I broke down in tears immediately. I cried one because they named him Joshua and that’s my youngest son’s name and two because there was a decision on the table and things were final.

My feelings were that I didn’t really have a choice because there was a contract in all of this that stated they have sole discretion in the decision. I felt that I would have to be settled in that and trust that God would change their hearts if he saw fit. I relied on letting the legal aspect speak the loudest. When I shared the news with those closest to me who were waiting to hear where I was headed after the news I got very mixed responses. Joshua was now causing a stir and making his life very known. I said from the beginning that I take no credit for this growing life and that I am just the blessed one chosen to get to carry him. No one can choose to create life. Each life is a Gift from God.

In the days after their decision I dealt with all of the emotions of knowing I was carrying a baby that would not survive. Even though Joshua is not mine and I was comfortable with handing him over to his parents at birth I now felt very connected to him as his life would now begin and end with me. When I called my Dr. to tell her the news she was saddened for me and wanted to make sure I was taken care of. She actually called me on her day off to discuss what would happen. She also explained to me that she would be on vacation the following week and asked that I come into the hospital on the following Monday night. As we were discussing the dates I realized that would make it scheduled on my son Joshua’s birthday. I quickly said I just can’t to that. She delivered my son five years ago and it was all too much. We then scheduled it for the day after his birthday and hung up the phone. I just couldn’t believe this was happening and had to go back to trusting God would show himself in this whole week that we now had to wait. Was my doctor on vacation for a reason? was my Joshua’s birthday in the way for a reason?

In that week so many people had questions and concerns, thoughts and prayers and I was right with them. I spent so much time researching everything I could on trisomy 18 and reading other parents stories. The only thing different for me is this is not my child and the decision to carry him was not in my hands. I went out and bought him a few things for when his tiny body would enter this world. His parents have asked for pictures of him and also requested his ashes be sent to them. Everyone including myself have asked if they were coming here to be with him at all and the answer is no. They are settled in the information that they have been given that he will suffer and not survive. I have emailed them and asked that I carry him till he and God are ready for him to go but they just are too heartbroken to hang on to him from where they are.

Today I was scheduled to go into the hospital to start the induction when God showed up. I’ve asked for prayer and today warriors rallied for Joshua’s life and God put it on my heart loud and clear to fight for him. I spoke with my doctor and the attorney that represents the parents and just simply said “I cant do it!” I want to let him live. Both responses were “I understand and lets wait” Thank you Lord!! I don’t know at this point how the parents will react but knowing my doctor is on my side and the attorney telling me nothing will happen to me legally tells me God has this in his hands but I already knew that.

Please continue to pray for precious Joshua for he is fearfully and wonderfully made!